So our Fail Network Contestants have made it to Miami Beach, and BobbyGiadaAlton claim you can get your kids into the Wine & Food Festival despite the rampant flow of booze in the main event. So today’s challenge is adult food and kids food and Paula Deen and I don’t really care about your food tips on camera, all sponsored by Target.

IDK, I think I’m grumpy because the BET Awards always run late, and this one ran to 11:40 PM EST (three hours, 40 minutes, wtf), which is one of the longest times for this event. You’d think they’d cut some of the awards and Chris Brown for time, but no.

The show’s at Nikki Beach, and every damn reality show that’s been in Miami, with the exception of that food truck show, the show about Jackee’s ex and the Real Housewives of Miami, oddly, has been to Nikki Beach. (Okay, not sure about Miami Social, but Miami Social was SO BORING. Also not sure about Basketball Wives except this gif happened on one episode.

)

Also, usually YOU DON’T SEND YOUR KIDS TO NIKKI BEACH.

So you have Michelle smacking the hell out of stone crab claws (usually served in claw, and also note that stone crab has a thicker shell than regular crab).

To no one’s surprise, there are shell parts in the crab.

Remember: Learn about stone crab before you make anything with it, thanks.

And this:

You’re not a rebel. You’re a twat.

NOT A REBEL. JUST A MERE TWAT. A WINRAR IS HE, DESPITE THE FACT HE IS OUT TO KILL US ALL. NEVER MIND. THAT IS WHY PAULA LIKES HIM. THEY BOTH WANT TO KILL US ALL.

I GIVE UP.

At least Alton realizes he’s a twat. The network, however…cancellation for this show, y/y?

Y’all, she’s a fucking grill. I’m trying not to caps lock rage. Just…trying.

BUT THAT’S, LIKE, THE MAJORITY OF BOBBY FLAY’S SHOWS. (Look, I tried.)

But isn’t that what Food Network does, pigeon-hole? And then, after that, make you cook strange hybrids of Italian, Mexican and Asian food? Oh, and don’t forget cocktails in pitchers! Sandra Lee would be proud.

Oops, that’s this week’s elimination challenge!

Well, at least Giada’s entertaining.

There has to be a way to get this into gif form for gif parties and sassy.gif moments. This is PERFECT.

• Tags
• Food Network
• I give up
• sponsored by Target