Except for this set up for a “commercial” on the wasteland that is the Food Network and this next moment under the cut, I’m going to just skip to the pilots. Let’s be real, none of us really care about that sandwich dude that somehow has ratings on the Food Network. I’m guessing that’s because he’s a dude and that’s pretty much it.

Also, I apologize for this existing. No one should use really salty lunch meat and pretend it’s like Serrano ham. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with luncheon meat, but it’s not Serrano ham. The end.

Pictures are fucking delicious, yo.

She is crying over two of the most insufferable contestants in the competition, and they both stayed and made pilots.

You can see why I’ve been cutting “the Network” out of these pictures now.

Okay, on to pilots. It should also be noted that the two people singled out as being on Food Network shows before as contestants of some sort have made the finals.

You can see why I’ve been cutting “the Network” out of these pictures again.

Yvan’s pilot isn’t bad. He’s cooking with his family and having fun. Nothing to really make fun of.

Martie’s pilot, on the other hand, has that feeling of people picked off the street who hate each other. Or Martie. IDK.

Michelle’s pilot looks like…any other Bobby Flay show.

But the real pilot to watch for is everyone’s favorite twit, Justin. He starts out by watching an old episode of Good Eats, which means we are all fucked.

Then he serves us Caesar salad in aspic.

Finally, he serves us some sort of deconstructed Caesar salad, and I think the network has it in for him AND WE ARE ALL FUCKED.

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